5 Secrets To Make Your Children Listen To You

Article by Vicki Glembocki: A few months ago I crashed headfirst into my most frustrating parenting problem to date: My daughters were ignoring me. I could tell them five times to do anything -- get dressed, turn off the TV, brush their teeth -- and they either didn't hear me or didn't listen. So I'd tell them five more times, louder and louder. It seemed the only way I could inspire Blair, 6, and Drew, 4, to action was if I yelled like one of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and then threatened to throw their blankies away.

This was not the kind of parent I wanted to be. But their inability to obey or even acknowledge my husband, Thad, and me made us feel powerless. While walking through Target one Saturday, I heard no fewer than five parents say some variation of, "If you don't start listening, we're walking out of this store right now!"

I recognized that at least part of the problem was me. After much lamenting about my lame parenting skills, I got lucky: A friend's mom mentioned what she calls "the Bible" on the subject: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. When I checked it out at fabermazlish.com, I saw that there's an accompanying DIY workshop for $130 (both were updated last year in honor of the book's 30th anniversary). Granted, the authors are moms, not child psychologists or toddler whisperers. But the book was a national best-seller, and parents continue to host workshops using the authors' ideas.

To see if their advice still held up, I wrangled four equally desperate mom buddies and ordered the workshop. I got two CDs and a guide with directions for leading the group. We met every Tuesday night in my living room for seven weeks, spending much of our 90-minute sessions talking about our struggles with listening-challenged kids as if we were in a 12-step program. We followed along as actors played out scenarios on the CD, did some role-playing of our own, and completed weekly homework assignments, such as reading parts of How to Talk and Liberated Parents, Liberated Children, by the same authors, and then applying our new communication skills. Not all of Faber and Mazlish's advice rang true for us. Their suggestion to post a to-do list on the fridge so we wouldn't have to keep reminding our kids of their responsibilities, for instance, didn't pan out (especially because I had to keep reminding my girls to look at the note!). But other tips truly got our kids to start paying attention -- and, better yet, got us to stop screaming at them. Carrie, the mom of a 6-year-old, summed up our collective reaction by the end: "This really works!"

1. Say it With a Single Word

The situation My daughters have only one assigned chore: to carry their plates to the sink when they're done eating. Still, not a night went by when I didn't need to tell them to do it, sometimes three times. Even that didn't guarantee they would -- and who would finally clear them? Take a guess.

The old way After they ignored my repeated commands, I'd sit Blair and Drew down and preach for ten minutes about how I wasn't their servant and this wasn't a restaurant.

The better way Kids usually know what they're supposed to do; they just need some simple reminding. "They'll tune you out when you go on and on," Faber told me. "Instead, try just one word to jog their memory."

The result After dinner one night, all I said was "plates." At first the girls looked at me as if I were speaking in an alien tongue. But a second later, they picked them up and headed for the kitchen. After roughly a month of reinforcement, I don't need to say anything; they do it automatically. "Teeth!" works equally well for getting them to brush, as does "Shoes" to replace my typical morning mantra: "Find your shoes and put them on; find your shoes and put them on". And when I hear Blair screaming, "Give me that!" I simply say, "Nice words" (okay, that's two words). I practically faint when she says, "Drew, would you please give that to me?"

2. Provide Information

The situation My friend Michele had just served lunch when, as was her habit, 2-year-old Everly jumped off her chair, climbed back on, turned around, stood up, and then stomped on the cushion.

The old way When Everly wouldn't respond to a patient "You need to sit still," Michele would get annoyed and say something like, "How hard is it to understand? You must sit down!" Everly would cry but still not sit. In the end, she'd get a time-out, which didn't change her behavior.

The better way State the facts instead of always issuing commands. "Who doesn't rebel against constant orders?" asks Faber. (I know I do.) Kids aren't robots programmed to do our bidding. They need to exercise their free will, which is why they often do exactly the opposite of what we ask them to. The trick is to turn your directive into a teaching moment. So instead of, "Put that milk away," you might simply say: "Milk spoils when it's left out." This approach says to a child, "I know that when you have all the information, you'll do the right thing,'" Faber explains.

The result The next time Everly played jungle gym at mealtime, Michele took a calming breath and then said, "Honey, chairs are meant for sitting." Everly smiled at her mother, sat down, and then started eating. "That never happened before," Michele reports. She still has to remind her daughter now and then, but in the end, Everly listens. The technique applies to other situations as well. Rather than saying, "Stop touching everything," Michele now points out, "Those delicate things can break very easily." Ditto for "Legos belong in the green bin so you can find them the next time you want to play with them" and "Unflushed toilets get stinky."

3. Give Your Child a Choice

The situation Three days after our final session, Joan took her kids to Orlando. At the Magic Kingdom, she handed them hats to shield the sun. Her 6-year-old put hers on willingly. Her almost-5-year-old, Sam, refused.

The old way "I'd try to persuade him to cooperate," Joan says. Inevitably, she'd end up shouting, "If you don't put it on, you can't go on any more rides." Then he'd bawl his eyes out, and no one would have any fun.

The better way Offer your child choices. "Threats and punishment don't work," Faber explains on one of the workshop CDs. "Rather than feeling sorry for not cooperating, a child tends to become even more stubborn. But when you make him part of the decision, he's far more likely to do what's acceptable to you."

The result Joan left it up to her son: "Sam, you can put your hat on now or after you sit out the next ride." Sam still wouldn't comply. "But after he missed out on Peter Pan's Flight, I said, 'Sam, here's your hat,' and he put it right on," Joan says.

4. State Your Expectations

The situation Amy let her kids turn on the TV before they left for school. After one show was over, she'd take Adrian, 4, to get dressed while Angela, 7, kept watching. But when it was Angela's turn to get ready, she'd whine, "Just ten more minutes. Please? Pleeeeeeeaaase!"

The old way Amy would yell: "No, you've watched enough. That's it." Angela would complain some more. Amy would yell, "I said no!" Then, after more begging, she'd add, "You've already had more TV time than Adrian. You're being ungrateful."

The better way Let your kids know your plan ahead of time. Amy should tell Angela something like this: "After you've brushed your teeth and are totally dressed and ready to go, you can watch a little more TV while I get your brother dressed. That way you'll be on time for school."

The result The first time Amy tried this tactic, Angela turned off the TV without saying a word. But the second morning, she refused and started bellyaching again. Amy quickly realized she hadn't reminded Angela of the plan in advance this time. So the following morning she stated it again clearly: "When I leave with Adrian, I expect you to turn off the TV." Success. She finds the strategy equally effective for other situations ("No starting new games until the one you've just played is put away").

5. Name Their Feelings

The situation Carrie's daughter Tatum, 6, was happily blowing bubbles with a friend. Suddenly, Tatum stormed into the room, wailing, "Mina's not giving me a turn."

The old way "I'd say something like, 'There's no reason to cry over this,'" Carrie says. What would Tatum do? The opposite -- cry more and likely ruin the rest of the playdate.

The better way Parents need to listen too. "Everyone wants to know they've been heard and understood," Faber argues. Telling a child to stop crying sends the message that her feelings don't matter. Kids often cry (or whine, yell, or stomp) because they can't communicate why they're upset or don't know how to deal with the emotion. "You need to give them the words to express it," Faber says.

The result Next time, Carrie looked Tatum in the eye and described what she thought her daughter was feeling: "You seem really frustrated!" Tatum stared at her in surprise and then announced, "I am." Carrie held her tongue to keep from giving advice ("You need to..."), defending her friend ("Mina deserves a turn too"), or getting philosophical ("That's life"). Instead, she said, "Oh." Tatum kept talking: "I wish I had two bottles of bubbles." Carrie asked, "How can we work this out so it's fair to you and Mina?" Tatum said by taking turns. Carrie suggested they use a kitchen timer, and Tatum explained the plan to Mina. Everyone wound up happy. "It's hard to stop yourself from saying too much," says Carrie. She's right. Phrases like, "You never listen to me" and "How many times do I have to tell you?" become ingrained in our brain. During the workshop, my friends and I realize that it's going to take a bit of practice to stop uttering these expressions. But that's the entire point: to change the way we talk to our kids, so they not only understand what we're trying to say but actually want to listen.

This article first appeared in the January 2013 issue of Parents magazine.
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How Books at Home May Affect Child's Brain Later

A new study that took over 20 years to conduct shows that the amount of mentally stimulating content in a child's home, such as the number of books that are around, may predict the structure of the child's brain later in life.

The results show that people who lived in enriched environments during childhood had thinner cortexes later in life. The cortex is the brain's outer layer, and studies have linked thinner cortexes with higher intelligence test scores.
 

The findings underscore the importance of early life experiences in brain development, the researchers said.
 

"The time we spend with our parents before we are in school is going to affect us probably for the rest of our lives," said study researcher Brian Avants, an assistant professor of radiology at the University of Pennsylvania.
 

Avants and colleagues analyzed information from 64 people who were followed for more than 20 years. When the participants were kids, the researchers evaluated their homes for things that would provide mental stimulation, such as children's books and toys for learning.
 

Children who lived in more stimulating environments at age 4 had thinner cortexes when they were young adults, between ages 18 and 20, Avants said.
 

The cortex changes in thickness throughout life, Avants said. Younger children have thicker cortices, but as we age, the cortex goes through a thinning process that trims away non-essential brain cells, and allows cells to become more specialized, Avants said.
 

"It really needs to be trimmed down and trained to respond to the environment that we grow up in," Avants said. "The more stimulated some parts of the brain are, the thinner they become. They've been used more, and become more specialized for certain tasks," he said.
 

In fact, people with thinner cortices, as seen on magnetic resonance imaging, tend to have higher IQ's, Avants said.
 

The study's finding held even after the researchers accounted for the parents' IQs.

Interestingly, the children's home environment at age 8 was not associated with the thickness of their cortexes in young adulthood. This could be because before age 8, the brain is particularly sensitive to its environment, the researchers said. However, it's also possible that this is because as children grow, they spend less time at home.

"At age 4, the home environment is much more of a dominant player in a child's life," Avants said. At age 8, children are likely spending a lot of time at school, he said.

 

 

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IBI’s Best Testimonial Contest

A few months ago, we asked parents to participate in our "Best Testimonial" contest. We would like to thank everyone who submitted a testimonial! All of the testimonials we received will soon be appearing on our website. Thank you again, parents!

"As it should be with any daycare/school, the teachers are IBI’s strongest asset. I dreaded the thought of leaving our new baby at a center. Janice and the other infant staff were amazing with her. The love and attention doesn’t stop with the Infant room; it is comforting to know that if one of our children is having a bad day or gets a "boo-boo" that they will get some genuine TLC. We have found the curricula to be age appropriate while introducing a wide variety of concepts including science, math, and handwriting. We have visited many daycares in the area. By far IBI has the largest gross motor room and the best equipped playgrounds we have seen. We really appreciate the fact that IBI provides the children with plenty of time for exercise."

An excerpt of our winning testimonial, submitted by Dave and Beth Rappoli, parents of Ari, Nathan (PK) & Lexi (Toddler 2).

10 Ways to Keep Your Children Healthy and Fit

The Rules of Kids' Fitness
Parenting has never been easy. Since the beginning of time, men have tried to keep their children safe and healthy. But instead of protecting kids from, say, starvation and predators, like our cavemen ancestors, these days we're up against a modern batch of challenges: obesity and sedentary behavior—two equally formidable enemies. And since these are fairly new problems, your parents and grandparents might not have all the answers. Well, we don't either. Follow these 10 rules to keeping your kid active, though, and you'll have a great head start.

Rule 1: Don't Rely on Organized Sports
Just because your kid is in T-ball doesn't mean that he's active enough. A new study in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine found that less than 25 percent of student athletes receive the recommended 60 minutes of daily exercise. Plus, the researchers found that the kids spent about 30 minutes of their practice sessions being completely inactive.

Coaches need to make sure everyone is participating in the game, so some children might have to wait their turns to head onto the field, say the scientists. They suggest that adults should take a more active role in the practice sessions, even if that means monitoring children with a pedometer.

Rule 2: Keep Play Fun
Don't worry too much about the rules. "Making a game or activity too rigid is the best way to guarantee that a kid won't want to be active," says Men's Health FitsSchools advisor Jim Liston, C.S.C.S. "Your job is to facilitate play, not dictate it." So if kids stop playing an organized game and start chasing a butterfly, just go with it. "As long as young kids are running, jumping, and having fun, they're improving their health and athletic ability."

Rule 3: Turn off the TV...
If you want your kid to get off the couch once in a while, you have to do the same. Case in point: A 2010 study by British researchers found that 6-year-old girls were nearly 3.5 times more likely to watch more than 4 hours of television a day if their parents similarly stared at the tube for 2-4 hours a day. As for boys, the scientists found that the little guys were about 10 times more likely to watch TV for 4 hours a day if their parents did as well.

Luckily, the solution is simple—turn off the tube. But what about "educational TV," you ask? Fact is, only 1 out of every 8 shows for children are real learning opportunities.

Rule 4: ...Unless You're Playing Wii
We're not saying that your child should start spending more time in the living room than the backyard, but kids can have a good workout by playing certain video games. Recently, the American Heart Association officially stated that Wii Fit Plus and Wii Sports Resort games are legitimate ways to stay active. And a recent study in the journal Pediatrics found that kids (aged 10-13) who played Dance Dance Revolution had an exercise session that was comparable to walking at a moderate-intensity pace.

Rule 5: Never Reward Kids with Food
It's no wonder childhood obesity is so prevalent: "We tell our children to eat healthy, but then we reward their good behavior with junk food," says Liston. No, there's nothing wrong with an occasional treat. But to consistently reinforce a kid with ice cream and candy for a job well done—such as finishing his homework—delivers the wrong message. In fact, you should use caution in rewarding kids with any kind of food, including healthy fare. "This practice can teach them that it's good to eat even when they're not hungry," explains Liston. Instead, give them another kind of reward—like extra playtime outside.

Rule 6: Instruct by Showing, Not Telling
Forget the phrase "Keep your eye on the ball." Why? Because the first time most a kid hears it, he (or she) has no idea what you're talking about. Instead, show him how to hit a baseball with these 6 steps:

• 1. Stand a few feet away and tell your kid to look at the ball.
• 2. Move toward him with the ball in your hand while continually instructing him to keep looking at the ball. (This way, he'll learn to track it.)
• 3. When you approach the strike zone, tell him to slowly try to hit the ball with the bat.
• 4. Go back to the starting point, then toss the ball into the strike zone and allow him to swing.
• 5. Review what he did well and give him instruction for improvement.
• 6. Repeat.

Rule 7: Know When to Praise
Kids aren't stupid. Say your son whiffs at three pitches in a row. The modern parent often says, "Good try." But that type of hollow praise doesn't console him, or help him the next time he steps up to the plate. "Praise should be specific and authentic, as in, 'Good job juggling the ball 10 times. I see you've been practicing a lot. Your efforts have paid off,' " says Liston. "You should also mix instruction and encouragement when your child makes a mistake." Look for a teaching point, even on a strikeout. For instance, you might say, "Good eye on that second and third pitch. Keep swinging at pitches like those, and the hits will come."

Rule 8: Make a Play Date with Friends
Remember the days of running around with the neighborhood kids from dawn until dusk? Wasn't that fun? Well, it's also an essential way to keep your kid in shape: UK researchers found that children who have an active, neighborhood playmate are 2-3 times more likely to be physically active themselves when compared to kids who don't live near a buddy.

Rule 9: But Don't Compare Your Kids with Others
Kids develop the coordination to run, catch, and throw at different rates, says Liston. The trouble is, they're often expected to perform at certain levels based solely on their ages. As a result, a child whose development is slower than average may never have the opportunity to catch up with his peers. "If a kid tries to catch a baseball on the run before he's able to catch a beach ball while standing still, he won't have the tools he needs to be successful, says Liston. Unfortunately, many parents and coaches think the solution is for the child to try harder, when the real secret is backing up to a simpler task that the kid can improve upon.

Rule 10: Give Them Your Blessing
Encouraging your kids to participate in "vigorous" sports—like basketball and soccer—can cause your children to become more active, according to research in the journal Health Psychology. In the study, kids who received support from their parents were more likely to sign up for team sports (and less likely to spend their time sitting around) than the children who's parents didn't give them a push.
Obvious—and simple, right? Then what are you waiting for?

www.inchbyinchchildcare.com

What is STEM?

In Massachusetts and across the country, early childhood educators have come together to promote curriculum and learning in the areas of Science, Technology, Engineering and Math.

At Inch By Inch you will see over the coming months our efforts to include more math and science into our daily curriculum.

One resource that we will be using is

http://www.bedtimemathproblem.org/  - a blog dedicated to making math a part of everyday life. 

Summer Camp Bedford MA, Burlington, Lexington

For those in Bedford MA, Burlington, Lexington and surrounding areas that are interested in summer camp for their children please contact Inch By Inch Child Development Center at (781) 271-0800.  The summer camp is for children ages 5-10 and will begin on June 18th.  The summer program will include:

• Weekly field trips
• Swimming at Springs Brook Park in Bedford
• Arts & crafts
• Science experiments
• Weekly outings to local parks
• Nature Walks
• Ice cream and lots of FUN!!!

Please email us with any questions at info@inchbyinchchildcare.com

The Twenty-Five Words Every Toddler Needs to Know

This recent study provides a solid guideline for parents regarding their child’s language development.  “Mine”, “please” and “outside” are also common words for children of Toddler age. Parents should also consider how many words their child comprehends ex. can they point to body parts if named, or follow a direction such as “go get your coat”. For parents that are concerned with language development, the course of action that we recommend is to bring your concern to your pediatrician or contact Early Intervention directly.

A two-year-old's limited vocabulary may red flag hearing problems, autism, or dyslexia. Researchers from the Child Study Institute at Bryn Mawr College have identified a list of 25 words every toddler should be using by age two. Dr. Leslie Rescorla, the director of the institute, presented her findings at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science.

The average toddler uses 75-225 words and is able to combine them into phrases. Twenty-five is considered the minimum for late talkers. In a previous study, Rescorla demonstrated that children with normal delayed speech tend to catch up by four or five. She adds that when helping late talkers build their language skills, it's a good idea to focus on basic vocabulary.

The 25 common words that should form the building blocks of a toddler's vocabulary:

-all gone                       -milk                            -mommy
-more                           -no                               -nose
-shoe                            -thank you                   -yes
-baby                           -ball                             -banana
-bath                            -bye bye                      -book
-car                              -cat                              -dog
-cookie                        -daddy                          -eye
-hat                              -hello/hi                         -hot
-juice                          

Rescorla says parents shouldn't panic if their toddler is using fewer words than average, but they should consider having them evaluated by an expert. Early intervention offers the best outcome.